I got engaged.. and am feeling overly excited and semi on overload for a new life chapter!
Gives me peace.
So here I am.
Its so weird how we change. How when we were little summer felt like an eternity of catching lightning bugs and going on adventures. Now by the time summer flashes by I almost welcome it. A refreshing cool autumn breeze. I often think back to nights in Arizona about 6 years a go. I felt so small at night staring up at that planetarium. The sky was endless, the stars were dazzling. I felt life. I know we live everyday, but some days I think I truly feel life. Its enormity; pure excitement for how it unfolds. Uncertainty. All things always lead back to my mom. In the quiet right now, I’m drinking chamomile tea with enya playing. I remember her smell and her love and struggle through life and through death. There’s this massive imprint on my soul. Sometimes it wraps me up in comfort and peace, and other times I cry like a baby.
i truly feel like a broken record. i sat tonight and said, “ok you’re going to write something beautiful and not about your mom.” I cant. No matter how I try, every road, every star that dazzles or reflection I’m feeling leads back to her.
I get worried, sometimes I can’t feel a thing. Literally I feel devoid of emotion. Its the most terrifying feeling to have if that even makes sense. Like all my feelings were in this straw and they all got blow away leaving me empty and hollow. But last night I felt so thankful. I cried, and cried and cried. It hurt, but I felt.
On Saturday its 22 months since my mom passed. That seems crazy long no? But not atall. I can literally feel all my feelings from that day, the 22nd of December 2010 when my mom left her physical being behind. But if you asked me how I felt truly last week, I really cant say.
I guess this is my journey now…to try to embrace who I am, who I am not going to be, and that I think.. and this sounds CRAZY but when my mom died I feel like I became a little baby… now growing up all over again in a different sense… one without her. I am surrounded by love. I am blessed in many ways. I give thanks daily and I don’t throw pity parties frequently. I guess.. I just wondering where Im going. I’d like to live in a whimsical, magical place and twirl and feel light. But I’m here in Brigantine.. trying to create my own I suppose. well.. if you read this thanks for reading it.. at this point we’ll officially deem it a “ramble”.
They sure are tenacious.
Another summer, come and gone.
Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future. – Steve Miller Band Continue reading
I truly believe these are words to embrace and live by in all realms of one’s life- whether it be family, relationships, yourself- just life in general, Continue reading
there is something humbling and empowering all in one when the sun paints the sky
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Lately I really haven’t been writing much about anything anywhere. Not my grief journal, my blog, my articles. I haven’t been painting. I guess you can say I just haven’t felt the need to create. The past few months have been filled with a lot of emotion for me.
On Sunday- the 22nd..my mom will be gone a year and seven months. It sounds so long, and so short… and to be honest its been extremely painful lately. I don’t know if perhaps Ive been running from it for a while and as a result, becoming numb.. but regardless.. I guess I couldn’t outrun it much longer- it caught up to me.. and in a big way. At my bereavement group this week we discussed how grief “ambushes” you. Its a really perfect statement. It is so challenging to find a balance between such sadness and living life and finding joy. I often end up in one extreme or the other. I am relieved in a weird way it finally all caught up to me.. I needed to cry. I needed to embrace it full on because my mom is worth it.
I’ve been feeling so reflective lately and almost as if I’m watching life carefully- as a movie. Observing interactions, people, moments. I try to stand still in it but it moves quickly, whether I like it or not.
This is a good look at what I’ve been up to.. I hope to get back to blogging soon tho.. I hope all is well!